All That Remains
by killedwitha.BusterSword
Summary: CxA I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted him to hold me and never let me go. I wanted him to be in my grasp all the time, but I knew that those hopes were impossible. There was just no way to forget about something that would break us apart forever.


Something I made a looong time ago. ;)

* * *

I remember telling myself, on a rainy November night, that I would never love—ever. 

I saw everything happen that evening. I could hear glass shattering, along with yells and loud thuds. I was quietly watching from behind the kitchen door, scared and shaken. I could see mom being thrown against the wall, blood trickling down the sides of her bruised face. I could see my dad throwing punches at her. I could hear him yelling at the top of his lungs, every syllable deafening my ears. I could…

…I could only watch.

As a child, a helpless child, I could only watch. But up 'til this day, I couldn't help but blame myself for not being able to do anything. 11 years had already passed since that disheartening incident, and during those years, I learned to overcome the problem between my parents, and with the help of my now single mother, I was able to move on. But the idea of 'love' still didn't occur to me.

I would even tell my self that marrying, having children, and working to have food on the table were all to cliché for me. At least, that's what I wanted to believe in.

I wanted to be a famous writer, publish as many books as I can, or to open up my own flower shop. I wanted to stay with mom and take care of her, support all her needs.

I had my mind set on this future even at a very young age. These were my main goals in life…until I reached my 3rd year in high school.

* * *

I had a small group of friends, and being the only girl in it caused a lot of people to gossip and think about the craziest things. But it wasn't very hard to 'fall in-love' either. 

Some of them had confessed their love for me, but when I ask why, I get the usual answers.

"_You're really cute."_

"_Well, you're gorgeous and smart!"_

"_Do I have to answer that?"_

Oh, it was exasperating, although flattering, too. But they wouldn't even try to get to know me well…until I met _him_.

"_Cloud Strife."_ I remember how he had introduced himself to me 3 years ago. He had this monotonous tone that I would always tease him about and, ironically, he rarely smiled. He did, yes, a few times, like when I would say corny jokes. No, seriously. Maybe he was corny himself!

And he really hated it when I patted his spiky blond head! I thought it was cute, though…his pretty spikes always so neat and fixed and…"defying gravity". Haha!

Now don't get me wrong. He was just a friend to me. I could say we were the closest in the group, but I was so sure there was nothing more than that.

* * *

We hung out more often. I could already make him laugh, and smile more often. Our friends would tease us about our closeness, but we would just look away and laugh it off. _"DENIAL."_ They would tease even more. 

Soon, our friendship became even deeper. He was my best friend, or more like my brother. Mom liked having him around at our place. She even joked me once, after he had left, that we'd have attractive children. I remember flinging the throw pillows at her. She almost grounded me for that, but I knew she was just kidding.

We went through think and thin together; through the brain-racking exams, the annoying, torturous teachers, and the many fights we had between the group. And it was one of these days that I knew my heart had completely betrayed me. I was in-love with him.

I broke my sworn promise…a promise so stupid to make in the first place. I was the most pathetic person in the whole galaxy! But even that didn't change the way I felt for him. It was much stronger than the fear I felt on that night of November.

* * *

I would find myself stuttering when facing him. Heck I couldn't even look at him in the eyes! 

I remember, once, I turned beet red when I tripped and he caught me. He had asked me if I had a fever. The mortified me just ran, and didn't even look back.

I heard his voice, so full of concern asking me if I was alright. I just nodded. I heard him sigh, and a sunflower appeared before me as I looked down. He cleared his throat and I took it from him. Our hands grazed and I blushed again. I smiled gently, and I heard a weak chuckle from his direction. "I like it better when you smile." He said.

I still remember how orange the sky was.

* * *

Junior prom came, and everyone agreed I would be their date. _"Just for fun."_ they said. Cloud seemed to be alright with it, but personally, I wanted him alone. 

So everyone went on their best suits and dresses. I just wore a pink tubed-gown! Everyone else of the girls wore…skimpy clothing. I wasn't even sure it was allowed!

We sat on one table, all eight of us: Cloud, Zack, Reno, Rude, Cid, Barret, Vincent, and I. At the earlier parts of prom, they all seemed bored and lifeless. Cloud and I were the only ones talking and laughing (about how some people wore clothes that don't even suit them). A least we were enjoying ourselves. But then a fresh batch of teasing erupted from the table. Cloud coolly brushed the ideas off, and just shook his head. I laughed despite the fact that my face was burning.

A Slow song came up, and the teasing began again. I could see them elbowing Cloud on his sides, and giving him smug smiles. Some even did to me, but I just pushed their elbows away, laughing and a little flattered.

And then he gave in. It shocked me a little.

He offered me his hand, and I shyly took it. He pulled me to the dance floor and our table burst into cheers and laughter.

Time stood still at the one moment; his hand on the small of my back, my hand on his shoulder…our hands intertwined.

We both didn't know how to dance then, so we ended up ruining the romantic atmosphere with our silly mistakes and roaring laughter. We came back to the table breathless.

That was when I started coughing.

I excused myself to the bathroom, and clutched on the sink.

I coughed and coughed…

…until I was already hurling blood.

I stared at my hand in horror. I felt light-headed with fear.

I coughed again, completely stirring me away from my stupor, until it finally died down. I felt weak. My mind wandered and thoughts of death filled my mind. I felt afraid… I wanted someone—anyone—beside me, but only the thought of Cloud's haunted expression lingered in my mind.

I couldn't let him know.

I splashed my face with cold water after the dizziness had faded, sighing with relief because no blood had stained my dress.

I came back to our table trying my best to be in my usual disposition._Good_, I thought, _no one seems to notice. _But I caught Cloud eyeing me from the side.

I simply paid no attention.

* * *

I immediately told my mom about my issue once I got home and we went to the ER first thing in the morning. 

And on that day, I saw my world come crashing down before me.

I was diagnosed with a disease, unknown and deathly.

I thought about mom, what she would do without me… my friends… and Cloud.

The tears were endless on the first couple of days, and so was the coughing, but _he_ was always on my mind.

_You said you would never love_, I scolded myself, _easier said than done._

* * *

I had gone back to school after days of absences, pretending like nothing was wrong when I felt so heavy and gray. I kept my sorrow and affliction a secret. Even mom kept her mouth shut when Cloud was at home. 

For the sake of my friends, especially Cloud and mom, I remained cheerful and full of life no matter how hard it was for me.

As time passed by, I grew weaker and weaker even if I was on medication. I would excuse myself to the comfort room more often. But the most frustrating of all is the rumor that I had STD because I slept with everyone in my group.

My friends defended me from that; I thought Barret would shoot them!

And I cried, almost like a first, because I was _happy. _

* * *

I had lied to them a lot of times, but you don't know how hard it had been for me when I did so. Their questioning looks had been so hard to surpass… but surpassing Cloud's creased brows and worried tone was the hardest. 

He would pull me away from the others after school and throw me a million questions, it made me furious. I had shouted at him, told him he made me sick and pushed him out of the way. I ran home, soaking my mother's clothes that afternoon. He hadn't approached me ever since.

It was weakening for me not to have any contact with Cloud. I tried apologizing, to patch things up between us, but he would just walk away without a word and avoid me for the rest of the day. He wouldn't even look at me.

The group would cast delving glances at us, eyes flickering to him, then me, and back to him again. He wouldn't even sit beside me anymore.

It almost came to the point that I gave up trying to fix the problem, but my friends, even when they didn't exactly know _why_ we weren't getting along, and my mom would encourage me… _annoy_ me, as well!

And so the following days were full of attempted apologies and conversations and to my surprise, he had smiled at me on one of those days. My heart filled with joy as I watched him disappear from my sight. I didn't even notice my friends behind me, cheering like little children. I even forgot about my sickness for a while, but once I did, my surroundings circled around me and I had fainted. I told them about my worsening infirmity when I awoke at the clinic, and begged them not to tell anybody most especially Cloud.

Barret's reaction scared me. He had scolded me loudly for keeping it for weeks. I cried then. _"I'm sorry…" _was all I could say. But Vincent and Zack approached me kindly and gently, like what older brothers do to the younger ones. I got a pat on the head from Vincent and a friendly hug from Zack. _"We won't tell Cloud…"_ he had said. _"We won't tell anyone."_ I still remember how the warmth of his embrace made me feel safe and secure. Everybody else nodded their heads with assuring smiles, except for Barret who was apologizing to me.

I laughed like I hadn't in a decade.

And I felt even better when Cloud started talking to me again. The good old times were back.

* * *

The hospital became my second home. 

I began to recognize the staff there. I even made friends with some of them! I spent so much time in their care. I would undergo a series of tests and check-ups, but even after weeks of medication, the same results occurred, although I never really let these bring me down.

But on one of these days, I found out something the caused me depression for the days to come.

I only had four months left of my life. Even when I knew it was just a prediction, I still felt the weight slowly pin me down to the floor.

The overwhelming feeling of shock and sadness engulfed me enough to drift away from class for the following days. Cloud had been worried sick, but I didn't push him away. I wanted him there… I wanted him to_always_ be there.

I had drowned myself in tears in front of him, on his shoulder I could lean on, his strong, protective arms around me, and I sadly wanted to stay like this for eternity

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted him to hold me and never let me go. I wanted him to be in my grasp all the time, but I knew that those hopes were impossible. There was just no way to forget about something that would break us apart… forever.

* * *

I few weeks had passed and the fast-approaching batch party was the latest carry-tale. Everyone seemed excited, but I didn't feel it at all. 

My friends encouraged me to go and even promised me that they wouldn't "leave me for some other girl" (it's our own private joke).

And they really didn't, to my surprise.

Heck, they even danced with me in the center! Reno and Rude were such comedians doing silly steps while Barret and Cid danced some old moves with their heads banging to the beat; Zack, with his not-so-impressing voice, sang and made rock star moves, and even the usually "emo" Vincent tried dancing! And I started laughing, even before Cloud joined in.

It made me realize how lucky I was to have friends like them.

I desperately gasped for air; the seemingly endless round of laughing had me out of breath, but I didn't realize the tears that continuously fell.

Cloud stopped. Everyone else stopped; Cid, Barret, Vincent, Rude, Zack, and Reno. All's eyes were one me, an expression of grief and concern on their faces except for Cloud who just looked in shock.

Chuckling weakly, I wiped the tears away. "Please continue…" I whispered, but the sadness and guilt was evident. I tried so hard to laugh, but it stuck on my throat. And the tears kept falling.

Cloud—the_clueless_ Cloud—wrapped his arms around me, whispering gentle, comforting words in my ear. Over his shoulder, I saw my other friends' eyes glisten with unwanted tears.

It hurt so much to see them that way.

Once I had calmed down, they brought me back to the table.

My head was spinning. I closed my eyes to regain the serenity of my mind. Cloud had disappeared among the crowd to get me something to drink. And before he came, I had apologized to them. _"You shouldn't worry about us," _Reno had said,_ "You should worry about yourself. Your health is more important, anyway."_

I knew I couldn't complain.

Cloud came back with content smile on his lips. The group raised an eyebrow suspiciously. _"Aerith, come with me." _he said, offering me his hand. I looked at his hand, then at the dance floor, then at his blue majestic eyes. _"Don't worry,"_ he said in between chuckles, _"we won't dance. I'll show you something."_

And because I trusted him with all my heart, I took his hand and he held it tightly as he led me to the balcony of the venue. I didn't even realize it had been raining.

Only his voice made a sound in the tranquility of the place._ "Here."_

I gasped at the sight before me. A huge flower bed of roses and chrysanthemums in whites and yellows stood out beautifully against the dark, clouded sky. The scene of raindrops sliding gently down the silky soft petals calmed my mind and soul.

A cloud of cold air escaped my lips as I breathed out. _"It's beautiful…"_ I had said, chuckling. _"…and absolutely breath-taking!"_

He removed his jacket and placed it on my trembling shoulders. He laughed at how loose it looked on me. _"You look cute."_

Blushing at his remark, I sat down on the platform with the view before me never leaving my line of sight.

I had smiled at that time. I remembered how much I love flowers.

I sighed dreamily.

"_I knew you'd like it here,"_ he spoke, now seated beside me. _"I've been wanting to show this to you since we got here. I saw it on my way to the function room…"_

I smiled, although I was aware of his stare.

"…_and I always want that smile on your face."_

"_Is that so?"_ I looked at him. _"Why?"_

"_Well because…"_

I saw a different Cloud by the looks of his expression. His face was serious, and the smile had disappeared. He looked completely different, and I wasn't sure I wanted that façade.

"_Because what?"_

"_Because I…I hate seeing you sad. I want you to always be happy."_

I froze. Half of me already knew what was happening while the other half refused to believe.

"_I want you there all the time…"_

_Too fast—it was all happening too fast! _

I didn't want to hear anymore.

"_I don't want to see you in pain; I don't want anyone to hurt you… it'll be the end of them if they do..."_

_Stop..._

"_I want to be near you all the time… and hold you in my arms so I could protect you…"_

…_Stop…_

"_It might be wrong to say these now, but Aerith, I want you to know that…that I…"_

_No, please don't say…_

"_I love you—"_

"_NO!"_I shouted, abruptly on my feet at the impact of retort. _"You can't…"_ I cried. _"Cloud, you can't…"_

A fresh batch of tears fell from my eyes. I attempted to walk away, but he caught my wrist, a look of hurt and confusion on his eyes.

I slapped his hand away. _"Don't touch me…! Don't come near me…"_

"_What the hell are you saying?!" _he spoke with anger. The rain fell maddeningly, as if it knew what situation we were in. _"Am I…Am I not worthy of your love…?" _The pain in his voice and the tears that brimmed up in his eyes tore my heart into pieces. Why was there no easier way to do this…?!

"_I don't understand, Aerith! Why don't you just tell me you…you love someone else!"_

"_No, I LOVE YOU, TOO!" _I competed against the rain, it made me dizzy. I sobbed heavily._"You've always been the one, Cloud. But you can't love me…"_

"…_why?!"_

"_Because I—"_

My vision blurred, and I felt my weight shift to the side; I was falling, and I couldn't breathe. I felt myself coughing and heaving, but my mind was blank. A loud thud couldn't even wake me from dullness.

I was already in his arms by the time a gained consciousness. Warm blood slowly trickled down from the corner of my mouth. I could hear him calling my name; I tried my best to keep my eyes open, but my lids felt heavy. Droplets descended upon my face; I had thought it was the rain, but I looked up to find him looking down on me, his eyes flooding with tears.

"_You see…"_ I choked. _"You… can't… You can't… love someone… who's dying…"_

Before I knew, the darkness had already taken over.

* * *

I thought I had died by then. I was so sure never to wake up again, but I felt a strange warmness run through me. I felt… _alive_. 

I awoke at a shadow looming over my closed lids. I opened my eyes to find Zack and Reno looking down on me, their faces full of worry and concern, but as I looked up, their expressions changed to joy and relief. _"Guys!"_ I heard Reno shout, almost running to the door. _"Aerith's awake."_

I looked around and recognized a hospital room.

Soon, the six of them, including mom, were around my bed. I looked at all of them, one-bye-one and noticed an absence. Cloud wasn't there.

"_C-Cloud…?"_ my voice quivered. _"…where…?"_

Mom held my hand and silenced me with a soft hush, tears forming in her eyes. _"He'll be here, honey…"_

"_I need… to talk to him… now… where…? Please…"_

"_Ae-Aerith…?"_I heard a voice from behind the small crowd. Everyone turned to look at the mysterious speaker. _"Cloud…"_ I heard Vincent say. I immediately tried to sit up, but my tiredness prevented me.

Slowly, they stepped aside and gave him way towards me. His tearful, saddened eyes held my gaze as a sad smile crept on his lips. I didn't even realize that everyone else had already gone outside.

"_Cloud…Cloud, I'm so sorry I… I kept this from you—"_

"_You know…" _he interrupted, his head hung low. _"I had to undergo a series of tests… they think I caught it, too…"_

"_There were a lot of… you know…it was really tiring…" _he added with a humorless laugh. _"When I asked what they would do to you…they said your disease was unknown…" _He slowly sank to his knees and the tears slid down his cheeks continuously, it broke my heart. _"That they don't know yet what to do with you…"_

"_And I realize…" _he continued, holding my hand between his own pair. I could barely see them through my own tears. _"…how hard it must be for you…" _

He broke into sobs, his eyes tightly closed as he brushed his lips against my palm. _"I'm so sorry, Aerith… I didn't know…"_

"_Cloud…"_

"_I couldn't…I couldn't… If only I could cure you; I'd give anything… everything… I'm so sorry…"_

_No, he shouldn't… he shouldn't apologize. None of this was his fault…_

I gathered up all my strength to sit up, startled him. I held on to his shoulders and panted. He tried to lay me down again, but I resisted, tightening my grip. _"Aerith, what are you—"_

I shook my head weakly and looked at his wide saddened eyes. I held his cheeks and leaned my forehead against his. _"Cloud… don't…"_ The words caught on my throat. _"…don't apologize… I…"_

"_But I—"_

"_I… should be the one… saying sorry…"_

"_Aerith…"_His tears fell like rain on his cheeks; endless and melancholic. He took hold of my wrist and turned to his side to kiss my palm again. _"I love you…"_

I smiled despite my heavyheartedness. I felt lighter after those three words. Relief and happiness washed over me all at once.

I wiped his tears away with my thumb, then wrapped my arms around his neck. I could feel him shaking with grief and it hurt me to see him that way. I wanted to take it all away, if only I could.

"_I love you…" _I solemnly whispered in his ear. I felt his throat vibrating with his loud sobbing against my shoulder. I closed my eyes and just let my own tears fall.

The same orange sky lit the room, enveloping us with warmth, and only love was in the air.

* * *

Days passed by like a blur, and my condition was getting more and more complex. But that really wasn't what I was worried about. It greatly annoyed me when my friends and my mom would visit me everyday. It's not that I didn't want them to, but their health is more important! 

I tried sending them home, almost begging, but they wouldn't budge! They were being so…so hard-headed!

"Will you just stop coming?!" I shouted at them when they had gathered inside my room with flowers and balloons.

"_I know you want to be here with me…"_ I whispered, looking down from their heavy stares. _"…but your health is way more important than I am! What if this disease_ is_ contagious…?!" _I finished loudly. I was crying again. _"I can't… I don't want anything to happen to any of you…"_

They had their eyes on me, but not with the look of shock or anger or sadness. They just simply stared like I was mentally challenged or something. Then they all burst out laughing.

I felt angry and miserable… and they would just laugh?! _"What…?!"_

I groaned and covered my eyes with my palms. _"Why're you doing this…?"_ I sobbed. The laughing had finally died down. _"Don't you understand…?"_

I heard Cloud sigh and his footsteps ascending my way. I felt the bed sink a little to the side, indicating that he was seated beside me.

He pulled my wrists away. He lifted my chin up and look into my eyes. I thought he would get mad, but I was surprised to see him smiling. My weeping suddenly came to a stop. _"We're doing this because we love you…"_

" I_ love you…" _he added, whispering, taking hold of my hand. I noticed the others smiling sheepishly behind me. It was enlightening.

"_And that we'd always be with each other…" _Rude added. They nodded in agreement as mom tearfully stroked my hair._"…No matter what."_

"_We promise, didn't we?" _Zack said, grinning from ear-to-ear. I looked at each their smiling faces, then hung my head so low that it could floor on the floor. Tears descended on my lap and on my fists, clenched in guilt for being so cold towards their intentions of love and care.

I was so glad that I threw my arms around Cloud's neck, and clung tighter as he whispered to me those three words over and over. I continued to cry, but not because I was sad or angry. I was in an incredibly joyful state. A group hug came my way, and that was the best thing to top off a best friendship.

* * *

Dull. That's how I would describe my eyes as I look outside at the warm orange shade of the heavens, a pen and paper on my lap. 

I knew already that my time will soon be over. It wasn't something someone would tell you. It was a feeling, a hunch, a thought. I knew mine was right.

But the thought of dying didn't scare me at all, somehow. I didn't know why.

_Maybe because I'd be free from the pain this illness brings me. _

_Maybe because I would no longer be a burden to everyone._

_I had a happy life_, I told myself; _great friends… a great mom… a great school, despite their naughty minds and talkative mouths._ Nevertheless, I was really blessed.

But dying also meant being torn away from the people I love…_for eternity._

And the tears fell again.

I had thought that these eyes would no longer shed tears because of its lifelessness, but when Cloud's smile entered my mind, I grieved even more; to be away from his touch… his familiar warmth… to never hear his soothing voice again… it was very painful.

And mom, who would take care of her? My snake of a father?! No way… no way.

"_We promised, didn't we?"_

And the promise we all made under the watchful eyes of the twinkling stars, to never leave each other no matter what, and that nothing will come between out friendship; a vow I could no longer keep.

It was true that I wasn't afraid of death, but the things I would leave behind became my concern. I can't rest in peace if they can't move on.

I poured out my thoughts and my heart onto this piece of paper; a letter of joy, thanksgiving, moving on, and love.

And as I lay back down from my sitting position, aware of the abysmal darkness I was about to drown in, I smiled for the last time, and it was all that remained.

* * *


End file.
